Category Archives: Just for Laughs

British Humor – The Queen Addresses Americans

imageGot the following from my buddy Mike (my favorite Bus driver, don’t ya know) and so, I can’t attribute the original author. I’ll be happy to correct that, on notice.

If you’re an American, please see this for what it is – a bit of a sendup, albeit, at your expense.   Smile

———————————————————————————————-

To: The citizens of the United States of America.

From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

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In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!

—————————————————————————————————

My time away (such as it was), is almost over.   Sad smile  But, I wasn’t entirely in “relax, take it easy mode” these last few weeks (writing is strangely addictive – I find) and, I managed to crank out the following – done, in the hopper, ready to go.

Regular readers can expect to see the following in the next few weeks.

Opinion –

Kate Middleton – I Owe You One!

Who Knows Ya Baby! Um… Maybe Facebook?

My Lax Library – Seriously – Fraudulent Hotspot Certificates to Go

If You Won’t Read For Content – Get Off The Internet!

Work from Home Schemes – There Is No Upside

Does America OWN The Internet? – The US Government Seems To Think So

Reviews –

Search Engine Security……..

Menu Uninstaller Pro……

Eraser……….

CopyTrans Manager – The Perfect iTunes Replacement?

Computer MOT 1.4………..

SlimCleaner 2.0…………….

11 Comments

Filed under Humor, Just for Laughs

ElfYourself – That’s right (Go ElfYourself)!

imageAgain this year, as they have for the last 5/6 years or so, OfficeMax is offering the charmingly humorous ElfYourself, an online animated Christmas greeting creation tool.

Working with ElfYourself is actually a bit of fun, and while the end product is not “professional”, in any sense, the result is pretty cool – especially when one considers the price; FREE.

Once the project is completed (it takes just a few minutes), you can then share your Christmas greeting by email, or post it to either your Facebook Wall, or to a friend’s Wall. This year you can even share on Twitter.

Go to ElfYourself to get started.

Once on the site, follow the simple instructions. The following screen captures will give you some idea of how uncomplicated the process is.

image

The cropping tools could be a little more robust, I think. But, free is free – so, who’s complaining.

image

The interface allows a number of minor adjustments.

image

Once the face has been adjusted to your liking, the next step is choosing a dance to accompany the animation.

image

Luckily, there’s a fair number of choices.

image

New, this year – you can now download the finished video and save the file locally.

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Once you’re satisfied with the results – sharing your creation is a breeze.

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If you’re tired of the same old, same old, Christmas greetings, then visit ElfYourself and get creative. You’ll have a bit of fun at the same time.

If you found this article useful, why not subscribe to this Blog via RSS, or email? It’s easy; just click on this link and you’ll never miss another Tech Thoughts article.

9 Comments

Filed under Arts and Crafts, Cloud Computing Applications, Freeware, Just for Laughs, Recommended Web Sites

Yeah, It’s Hot – But Don’t Say….

imageIt’s hot outside. The current temperature in downtown Toronto with the humidity factored in, is 51 Celsius (126.8 Fahrenheit). Yeah, that’s HOT!

High temperatures, just like very cold temps, seem to lead to the same old, same old, tired weather observations. Maybe, in this case, it’s just to hot for the grey matter to get in gear.

Here’s a few “it’s hot” classics, I picked up while roaming around the Web.

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Courtesy – Max Faulkner/AP

Uh, Willis Carrier, the “father” of the first practical Air Conditioner, is my hero of the day. Gotta honor good old Willis by maxing out the Air. Sorry.

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Courtesy – Jonathan Ernst/Reuters

A bit of a twist on the old – “when I was a kid I had to walk through 6 feet of snow on the way to school – all Winter”

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Courtesy – Steve Apps/AP

This one should be a Capital offense.   Smile

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8 Comments

Filed under Just for Laughs, Opinion, Point of View

Why Comment Spammers Shouldn’t Use Google Translate

imageComment spam has the potential to be dangerous – if it’s allowed to be blindly posted. I’ve written a number of articles dealing with the hows/whys of comment spam in the past, so I won’t belabor the point. If you wish you can checkout – Comment Spam Is Dangerous BS!

By its very nature, comment spam is a pain in the ass – but, I have to admit – there are those rare moments when I get my morning coffee up my nose, when the unintentional humor of a spam comment catches me unaware.

The following comment on Close Security Holes In Windows With Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer,  from a Chinese spammer (juangonzaloangel), caused one of those “coffee up my nose” moments. I’ve deleted the web links hidden in the comment.

Undeniably think for which you suggested. The best good reason were via the internet easy and simple matter to find out. I say to you, My spouse and i surely have irritated when people take into consideration anxieties they accomplish never understand. Anyone was able to click all the toe nail with the top part in addition to explained out of whole thing without needing unwanted effect , persons could take an indication. Will probably be time for read more. Bless you.

Not to put to fine a point on it – this is a major Google Translate FAIL. One would think, that if a spammer went to all the trouble of writing a complex spam comment, he’d a least get it right.  But hey, it did accomplish something positive – I started my day with a great big laugh.  Smile

If you found this article useful, why not subscribe to this Blog via RSS, or email? It’s easy; just click on this link and you’ll never miss another Tech Thoughts article.

4 Comments

Filed under Cyber Criminals, Google Translate, Humor, Just for Laughs, Online Translators, Personal Perspective, spam, Windows Tips and Tools

Go Elf Yourself! – Christmas Is Coming!

Again this year, as they have for the last five years or so, OfficeMax is offering the charmingly humorous ElfYourself, an online animated Christmas greeting creation tool.

Working with ElfYourself is actually a bit of fun, and while the end product is not “professional”, in any sense, the result is pretty cool – especially when one considers the price; FREE.

Once the project is completed (it takes just a few minutes), you can then share your Holiday greeting by email, or post it to either your Facebook Wall, or to a friend’s Wall.

Go to ElfYourself to get started.

image

Once on the site, follow the simple instructions. The following screen captures will give you some idea of how uncomplicated the process is.

image

The cropping tools could be a little more robust, I think. But, free is free – so, who’s complaining.

image

The interface allows a number of minor adjustments.

image

Once the face has been adjusted to your liking, the next step is choosing a dance to accompany the animation. Luckily, there’s a fair number of choices.

image

Once you’re satisfied with the results – sharing your creation is a breeze.

image

imageA tip of my Hat, although since it’s winter here in Canada – a tip of my Toque, to my good British friend John B., who was kind enough to put me on his list of ElfYourself Christmas greetings. Check this out.

If you’re tired of the same old, same old, Christmas greetings, then visit ElfYourself and get creative. You’ll have a bit of fun at the same time.

If you found this article useful, why not subscribe to this Blog via RSS, or email? It’s easy; just click on this link and you’ll never miss another Tech Thoughts article.

9 Comments

Filed under Arts and Crafts, Cloud Computing Applications, Email, Freeware, Just for Laughs, Recommended Web Sites, Social Networks, Software, Video, Windows Tips and Tools

Best Spam Story Ever! Thanks Pastor Mike

image Earlier this year I wrote an article on home networking “Your Electric Wiring Is a Wi-Fi Network Alternative”, which proved to be fairly popular with readers outside of North America.

Just two days ago I wrote an article “Email Spammers Are Smarter than You Think”, in which I stated – “I long ago came to the conclusion that spammers are some of the craftiest people on the planet. I say this not in admiration of what they do, but instead, how they do it”.

Then, this morning, I received the following spam email offering to provide me with a contract worth $2.5 million, provided I am prepared to engage in fraud, graft and government corruption. Now, I could use $2.5 million, but I’ll pass!

The connection between the networking article, and this carefully crafted spam email, points out how spammers can modify their criminal activities to seek out a specific target market, rather than rely only on the more general broadcast, and non-specific targeting method, we are more familiar with.

I’m posting the email in its entirety since I found it very funny, and you may too. I consider it more than ironic, that the apparent sender is a pastor, given that he is advocating fraud, graft, and corruption. Halleluiah , brother!

Dear Sir,

RE: CONTRACT SUPPLY OF NETWORK WIRES WORTH USD2.5 MILLION FOR INTERNET ACCESS TO SECONDARY SCHOOLS

We are much delighted to enter into business relationship with your company of which we request for your full cooperation in order to achieve this goal.

I am a commission agent and consultant and there is a business I want to introduce to your company and if everything goes well, at the end, you will pay me 1% of the total value of the deal as commissions. Briefly, let me explain to you the nature of the concerned business. A government department in Nigeria UNIVERSAL BASIC EDUCATION NIGERIA is looking for a reliable and trustworthy company that can supply the above.

The ministry wishes to award the contract for the supplies to any reputable company in your area with proven capability to supply the above quantity items within a period of 10 months against upfront payment by telegraphic transfer 60% advance by telegraphic transfer immediately the contract is sign while is delivery is by sea to Lagos seaport within 8 months upon you/ contractors receipt of full advance payment. I am writing you this letter because I want to know whether your company has the ability to undertake the contract from for the supply of the above listed items?

Really, it is sometimes difficult to get such a big order from government of any country especially when the term of payment is 60% advance deposit after contract signing and balance 40% before shipment. The good news is that I have friends in the UNIVERSAL BASIC EDUCATION NIGERIA office of the principal buyer and these friends of mine are willing to help me to convince the top official of the ministry in Nigeria to give the contract to your company if you co-operate with me.

The co-operation I need from is to agree to compensate me with 1% of the total value of the contract if we are able to make the transaction. I depend on the success of this transaction and the commission I will receive from this transaction as my own benefits and to uplift my standard of living.

If you are interested to get this contract and if you are capable to handle the contract and willing to give me 1% of the total value of the contract, please contact me by email to enable to give you instructions on how you will apply for the contract.

As soon as you apply for the contract, I will contact my friends in the ministry for them to start underground works with the top officials of the ministry to give the contract to your firm. I am waiting for a speedy answer from you to enable show it my friends in the ministry for them to know whether it will stand a better chance of winning the contract as well on how you should prepare your tender documents.

Kindly treat urgent by confirming your interest, also send us your prices of the above products immediately by internet so that we will advice on how to prepare your tender documents.

Thanks for your kind cooperation also call me upon receipt of this mail.

Yours sincerely

Pastor. Mike Ukwu
NEW AGE TRADING
No. 120 Brass Street
Aba,
Tel: 00234-07056757161

4 Comments

Filed under Don't Get Hacked, Email, email scams, Interconnectivity, internet scams, Just for Laughs, Online Safety, Windows Tips and Tools