Got the following from my buddy Mike (my favorite Bus driver, don’t ya know) and so, I can’t attribute the original author. I’ll be happy to correct that, on notice.
If you’re an American, please see this for what it is – a bit of a sendup, albeit, at your expense.
To: The citizens of the United States of America.
From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
My time away (such as it was), is almost over. But, I wasn’t entirely in “relax, take it easy mode” these last few weeks (writing is strangely addictive – I find) and, I managed to crank out the following – done, in the hopper, ready to go.
Regular readers can expect to see the following in the next few weeks.
Kate Middleton – I Owe You One!
Who Knows Ya Baby! Um… Maybe Facebook?
My Lax Library – Seriously – Fraudulent Hotspot Certificates to Go
If You Won’t Read For Content – Get Off The Internet!
Work from Home Schemes – There Is No Upside
Does America OWN The Internet? – The US Government Seems To Think So
Search Engine Security……..
Menu Uninstaller Pro……
CopyTrans Manager – The Perfect iTunes Replacement?
Computer MOT 1.4………..
11 responses to “British Humor – The Queen Addresses Americans”
can i send the first copy to Washington? this mean Canada and the states are really sisters. now i can cross the border with out a passport, and sell tobacco stuff.
Yeah, go for it. What you suggest would be perfect. :0
Hmmm ~ I’m going to have to get on the blower to Her Maj’s secretary about doing a major rewrite. This needs to be issued in soundbites of no more than eight words at a time or it’s going to fly over the heads of our new Commonwealth citizens
I also detect an unwarranted attack on the various species of continental ‘lagers’ ~ an invention that’s second only to the taming of fire
I would add North Dakota to Kansas & make it a hanging offence [note the ‘c’] to utter the word “awesome” from today
Oops got to dash ~ it’s time for tea
First remark – humourous – but, oh so true. Talk about conditioning!! lol
I hear ya – I’d crawl a mile on hands on knees (over broken glass) for a good German lager. Nay, a hundred miles, a thousand miles,………. Gotta say though – while the French are masters of the grape: French brewskis SUCK.
Third remark – Totally Awesome dude. 🙂
Fourth remark – unbearably suggestive – I’m on the way to the kitchen – right now!!
Very humourous indeed, I Lmfao. 🙂 I can imagine you are probably sucking on one of those German brews as I speak……………
I know I joked elsewhere about my memory going but now I’m seriously concerned. Your reference to Qwillman’s comment seems apropos of nothing.
BTW I wholeheartedly concur with all of Her Majesty’s comments, but am at a loss to understand why they are not being taken seriously. Can I add that;
Luggage (not baggage) must, henceforth, be placed in the boot of a car (not automibile), not the trunk. The luggage may be packed in a trunk, rather than a suitcase, prior to placing in the boot. Footwear, such as boots is best placed directly into the boot rather than being packed in a trunk.
The engine of a car is usually to be found under the bonnet, not the hood. One may wear a hood while looking under the bonnet, but not vice versa.
My initial response to Qwillman was not fit for a PG rated site so, on reflection I bounced it. Likewise, I’ve now deleted any associated references.
Impressive additions to the list. I particularly liked – “One may wear a hood while looking under the bonnet, but not vice versa.” 🙂
“My initial response to Qwillman was not fit for a PG rated site so, on reflection I bounced it. Likewise, I’ve now deleted any associated references.”
Thank goodness! I’ve put the men in white coats on hold; not for long, I suspect 🙂
I’ve just had my weekly refresher with those fellows. I can send them along to you, if you like. 🙂
Very funny, I think John Cleese formerly of Monty Python originally released it. http://starrgazr.wordpress.com/2008/02/15/john-cleeses-letter-to-america/
One thing to say, we’ll balance our budget when Britain does the same, what’s more is why did the Brits follow us into Iraq?
Love British humor!
Mystery solved – thanks. I knew I’d seen this before – just couldn’t remember where.